Journey To The Past
by JoChryedLover
Summary: When one half of Chryed wakes up in hospital with no memory of the last few years, will it break them apart? Or will they come out of it all stronger than ever?
1. Chapter 1

His eyes slowly flickered open as his brain tried to make sense of the sights and smells around him. He had already determined that the bed he was in was not his own; the mattress was lumpy and uncomfortable, the sheets crisp and rough compared to his own. There was a whirring which could only belong to some kind of machinery, and he started slightly as he became aware of foreign tubing invading his nose and hand. Opening his eyes properly for the first time, he looked to his left and quickly deduced that he was in a hospital, although what had happened to him to land him in there, he hadn't the foggiest. He eased himself a little more upright in the bed, noticing for the the first time some "get well soon" cards and an assortment of sweets and chocolates. Had he been in here for a while, then? He was about to press his call button to alert one of the nurses to the fact that he was awake, when the door to his room opened and a tall man walked in, dropping the parcel in his arms in surprise, before breaking into a huge smile and rushing over to him, pulling him into a hug.

"Oh, Sy, thank God!"

Sy? The other man thought, groggily. That's right! That was his name, Syed. Syed Masood. He shrank out of the other man's embrace, blushing and slightly embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?"

Syed eyed the other man, the stranger, with apprehension. He was positive that he'd never lain eyes on this man before, and so he edged to the other side of the bed, a look of uncertainty on his face.

"What are you talking about, Sy?" The other man looked positively crushed, a look of pure rejection and panic etched on his face. "It's me, Christian."

Syed took a moment, taking in every feature on Christian's face.

"I'm sorry," he shook his head. "I don't know you.."

The tears which had been shining in Christian's eyes started to flow, and he looked at the other man with pure desperation in his eyes.

"Please, Sy.."

He reached over to touch Syed's hand, and flinched as the younger man pulled away from him.

"I'd like you to leave now, please."

"Syed, please, just listen to me -"

"Please. Just leave."

Syed reached out and pressed the call button, shrinking down in the bed as though to hide himself away from the world. Christian hung his head, finally admitting defeat.

"It's ok, Sy. I get it. You've been through a lot, and you're confused. I'll go. But I want you to know that I'm not giving up on you. On us." He stood and headed over to the door, his breath catching as he looked over at Syed, who was looking so lost and alone. "I'll be back to see you again tomorrow." When Syed didn't turn to face him, Christian slowly turned and left the room, exchanging a worried glance with the nurse who entered after him. This morning, he'd have given anything to see Syed, awake and happy and smiling at him. Now, that seemed further away than ever, but he knew that no matter what obstacles they had to overcome, they'd somehow manage it. Together.


	2. Chapter 2

"How can this be happening? How can he not remember anything?"

Christian ran his hands through his hair in frustration as he paced around the room. He'd been called in for a meeting with Syed's doctor, and he'd been to hell and back in the last three quarters of an hour. The doctors had informed Christian that it wasn't just him that Syed was struggling to remember; in his mind, none of the last seven years had happened. The doctors had asked Syed about the last thing he remembered before waking up in the hospital, and he'd admitted to some of it being fuzzy. But he'd been adamant that he was still living in Walford after just getting back into his father's good graces. He couldn't remember moving to Birmingham five years ago, nor could he remember ever meeting Christian, marrying Amira and having Yasmin, or anything that they'd been through since.

And that was what terrified Christian the most.

He'd called Jane after he'd seen Syed last night, and she'd reassured him that this would all be temporary; that after all they'd been through, Syed was bound to remember him and the life they had together.

But now he wasn't so sure.

"Syed took quite a knock to the head after his fall. We couldn't have known how badly he might have been affected until he woke up. We're running some more tests, to see if we can determine whether the damage will be permanent, but really, we won't know for sure until he starts to remember anything else."

"So you're saying he might never get his memories back?"

Christian sank into a nearby chair, his head in his hands. He couldn't believe that this could be happening. They'd been doing something so simple, playing with Yasmin in the park on a rare mild spring day, when Syed had tripped and hit his head. Now their whole world had been turned upside down.

"We simply don't know. Is there a family member, someone from when he was living in London, who could come and try and see if they can jog any memories?"

"No," Christian shook his head. "His mum and dad are living in Pakistan now, and his brother's off travelling. It's just me. And he doesn't even know me."

"But you were there, in the beginning?"

"Yeah," Christian nodded slowly, recalling their turbulent start to their relationship all those years ago. He had thought those times were behind them, but now it seemed that they'd have t go through it all over again. He just hoped he'd get his Syed back at the end of it all. "I was there when he first moved to Walford. And so was.."

Why hadn't he thought of this before?! The only other person who was still a part of Syed's life now, albeit a small part, was Amira. She had followed him to Walford, in the beginning, and she was right across the other side of town. The two of them still didn't exactly see eye to eye, given their history, but if it meant that he could get Syed back, Christian would try anything.

"I think I have an idea.."


	3. Chapter 3

_His heart races as he looks into the older man's eyes, his uncertainty melting away as their lips meet for the first time. The electricity they both felt in that first kiss, their first night together.  
_

 _All the nights he spent alone, silently sobbing himself to sleep, his mind plagued with want, need, and doubt. Not knowing what was right, what was wrong. Hating himself for feeling the way he did, yet hating himself for not being able to be true to who he really was. For not being able to admit, even to himself, what - and who - it was that he really wanted.  
_

 _Walking down a busy street together, hot chocolate in hand, sharing details of his life with the older man and revelling in his company. His heart skipping a beat as the older man teases him, before he finally comes to the realisation that the older man was right all along: he is in love with him. His heart beating loudly in his chest as he finally says those three words out loud.  
_

 _I love you._

Syed woke with a start, gasping for breath as the images and feelings which flooded his subconscious try to break through. It was him. That older man who had come to see him yesterday. Christian? Yes, that was his name. The man who said he was from Syed's past. No, he'd said he was part of Syed's life now, but Syed had no memory of him. He closed his eyes, breathing hard, as the images started to fade away. They had felt so real, but at the same time, they felt so alien to him. Like he was looking upon another's life.

He thought back to what the doctors had told him yesterday. He'd had a knock to the head. He gingerly touched the part of his temple which was still bandaged and found that easy to accept. But the fact that he was living in Birmingham? It was 2017? He was finding that hard to come to terms with. Syed tried hard to think of the last thing he could remember before waking up in the hospital yesterday, but everything was a blur. He didn't know what was real anymore. He definitely remembered moving to the East End of London and getting back in touch with his mother in 2009. Yes, that had definitely happened. He had been living in Walford with his mum and dad and Tamwar. He'd been trying to get back into his dad's good graces, working with the family in the catering business. Doing as he was told and being a good, respectable, Muslim boy.

But the images that had danced in his mind while he was sleeping, the images of him and Christian, together, those - memories? - they also seemed real. And if they were real, what did that mean had happened to the relationships he was trying so hard to build back up again?

He knew that, prior to moving to Walford, he had been attracted to other men. That he had wrestled with his thoughts and feelings as he struggled to reconcile the two parts of himself; the Muslim he had been brought up as, and the fact that he was attracted to men. If he had, indeed, managed to get back to his family after spending so long alone, would he really have risked everything for one man? For Christian?

He looked around as the door opened, and an attractive woman with flowing dark hair walked in, smiling at him. He had a vague memory, a recollection, of her, and he wracked his brain for information as she walked over and sat down in the chair next to his bed.

"Syed, it's good to see you awake. You gave us quite a scare. I don't know if you remember me, but I'm - "

"Amira?" The name had hit Syed like a bolt of lightning, and suddenly his mind was filed with images of the two of them together. He could see them both working together in the kitchen of his parents' catering business. And he could see her living with him, at his parents' house, laughing and joking. And kissing.

"You remember me?" She looked shocked, so Syed reached out and took her hand. "The doctors, they told me you didn't remember anything?"

"It comes in flashes, really, that's the only way I can describe it. I remember moving to Walford, getting back in touch with my parents, but after that, everything's mostly a blur." Syed shrugged, looking down at his hand, joined with Amira's, and noticing her wedding ring for the first time. He had taken off a ring from his own finger yesterday, because it had felt alien to him, but he reached over to the bedside table and held it up to her. "Amira, are we married?"

"We were." Amira looked him straight in the eyes and held his gaze. "What I'm about to tell you will be difficult for you to hear, but please know that I'm telling you the truth. Despite everything." As she spoke, she took some photographs out of her bag. "We were married, once upon a time. This is us, here." She showed him a picture of the two of them, dressed in traditional Islamic wedding attire, smiling at the camera. And then another, more candid one of the two of them with the man from yesterday, Christian. Syed and Amira were looking lovingly into each other's eyes while Christian - No, wait. Syed and Christian were the ones who were looking longingly into one another's eyes.

Syed ripped the photo from Amira's grasp and stared at it in disbelief. The way that he was looking at Christian.. The way Christian was looking back at him, such passion shining in his eyes.. He turned the picture face down on the bed and looked at Amira.

"I don't understand. We were married?"

"It was a lie, Syed. It never should have happened. I finally admitted that to myself many years ago. The whole time we were married, before that, even, you were in love with someone else. It took me a long time to come to terms with that fact."

"Tell me."


	4. Chapter 4

Syed looked at the photoraphs that Amira had brought with her, feeling more lost and confused the more he looked at them. The people in the photos we complete strangers to him; he had little to no memory of ever existing in that time with them. Although the man in all of the photos was definitely himself, it was like he was looking at someone else' life. He hated the thought that there was such a big part of his life that he was missing. It frustrated him, the gaps in his memory which wouldn't seem to knit themselves back together again. The flashes that would come and go never made any sense, each seeming to make less sense than the last.

"I can't believe I have a daughter," he repeated for the tenth time, staring at the photograph of his six-year-old. "She's so beautiful."

"She misses you," Amira smiles sadly at him. "She can't understand why she can't see you, and I almost don't know what to tell her."

Syed put down the photograph of Yasmin and picked up the one of him and Christian on their wedding day. There was no denying that the love and pure joy shining in their eyes was true, but now, looking into the face of the man he supposedly loved, enough to risk everything for, Syed felt nothing. He let out a groan of frustration and fisted his hands into his hair.

"Syed," Amira grasped one of his hands in hers and held it tightly. "I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this must be. But I absolutely believe that you will get through this. After everything the two of you have been through already... I may not have been supportive or understanding right away, and it took me a long while to finally forgive you for everything that happened, but now I truly believe that the two of you are meant to be together."

She offered him a smile before standing and pecking him on the forehead.

"I have to go pick up Yas. The doctors say you can go home tomorrow; maybe when you're back home, everything will start making sense."

She smiled at him once more before turning on her heel and leaving him alone with his photographs, his... memories? There was another photo of what he believed was his and Christian's wedding day; a candid of the two of them, Christian ruffling Syed's hair while Syed was laughing at him. And in the background, his mum, dad and Tamwar were watching them with pride and affection.

That was the part of the photograph he was struggling to get his head around. He could almost believe Amira telling him that he and Christian were married. That they were in love. But what he couldn't quite comprehend was the fact that his family seemed to be ok with the whole thing. That they seemed to support him in his decision, too. The father he had known - the father he remembered - would never have accepted the fact that Syed was in a relationship with another man, much less celebrated it.

So much had happened over the last couple of days that his head was aching - not from his fall, but from the mass of information he'd been trying to process. And, quite possibly, from the struggle of trying to remember his life, who he was. Could he have been strong enough to reconcile the two parts of himself; the part which yearned to be a devout Muslim and make his father proud, and the part which he had tried so hard to deny, to bury? Looking at the evidence in front of him, it seemed it had been possible.

Syed glanced at the clock on the opposite side of the room. It was now after visiting hours, so he would be alone for the rest of the night. Suddenly, he felt a pang of disappointment that Christian - the man he must love, his husband - had not visited him tonight. He had a million and one questions, and now that the initial shock of his situation had worn off, he desperately wanted answers. He wanted to know the man he was today, wanted to know who he had become and what he had went through to get here.

But mostly - he realised with a start - he wanted to take away the pain he had seen in Christian's eyes yesterday. As the image of his face came back to him, haunted him, even, he realised that he never wanted to see that look in his eyes again.

And that realisation scared him most of all.


	5. Chapter 5

Christian heaved a heavy sigh as he closed the door behind him. He had just given Yasmin back to Amira, and still hadn't managed to give the little girl any answers about her daddy. As young as she was, he knew that Yasmin felt partly responsible for what had happened to Syed; they had been playing in the park at the time of his accident. He'd done his best to reassure her that she wasn't to blame, but he had a feeling that she would continue to feel this way until Syed told her that himself.

He couldn't believe what had happened, how quickly his life had been turned upside down. Two weeks ago, they were happy. Blissfully happy. Things were going well at work, they were in a great place in their relationship together, and they'd been planning on asking Amira if they could take Yasmin away in the summer.

But now everything was different. Now, he couldn't even begin to imagine how they'd get back to their perfect place if one of them couldn't even remember what that perfect place had looked like. They'd been through so much already, that this just felt like a huge slap in the face.

Syed's doctor had rang this morning, telling Christian that he would be able to come and take Syed home later on that afternoon. Two weeks ago, Christian would have given anything to hear those words. But now, he was nervous. He didn't know how to act around Syed at the moment, and he felt like he was going back to square one with him all over again.

Their relationship had already been pushed to the breaking point so many times before, he wasn't sure where this road would lead them this time. But Christian knew that they would work things out somehow. Even if he had to take Syed by the hand and relive every single moment of their life together, he'd do it. He would get their life back, no matter what.

C~S

Syed kept glancing nervously at the clock. He had been given the all clear by the doctors and was waiting for Christian to pick him up and take him... home? It felt a strange notion, to call somewhere you couldn't remember home. He had the photographs that Amira had given him yesterday in his hand, and had been examining them all morning. He thought he could vaguely remember a moment he'd had with Christian, but at the same time, he couldn't be sure that his mind had just been playing tricks on him.

In his - memory? - the two of them had been working in the kitchen of his parents' catering business, and Christian had been teasing him about the methodical way he was chopping the okra. Syed in turn had then joked about the way Christian's shirts were always too tight, and they had just shared this look, a look which seemed full of promise of the things to come.

Of course, Syed couldn't be sure that this was a true memory at all; it was just one of the many questions he'd have to ask Christian later. There were so many parts of himself that seemed foreign to him now that he couldn't be sure of anything.

Syed started as the door opened, and Christian appeared in the doorway, tentatively stepping into the room and glancing almost shyly at him.

"Hey," Christian cleared his throat in an attempt to shake off the nervous feeling that was suddenly threatening to overcome him. "How are you feeling?"

"Hi," Syed's reply was almost whispered, and he found himself blushing slightly under Christian's intense gaze. "I'm feeling okay, a little sore, but mainly ok."

The silence hung between them for a few seconds, both of them unsure how to proceed next. Eventually, Syed was the one to break it.

"I'm sorry for how I reacted, the other day. Things have been... confusing, to say the least."

"Sy," Christian came over and tentatively sat on the edge of Syed's bed, as Syed, surprisingly, thrilled at the idea of being called 'Sy'. "I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling, what you're thinking. But, I promise, I will help you through this, any way you want. Just, tell me what you need, and I'll do it."

Syed held up one of the photos Amira had left. It was the one he'd been pondering earlier, the one of the two of them on their wedding day, with his family looking on with pride and happiness.

"This photo is the one thing I'd been hoping for, in my last full, clear memory. That I'd be reunited with my family, and they'd love me again and be proud of me," he handed the photo to Christian, his eyes locking with the older man's in desperation. "And I can't quite reconcile this photo with my memory of them. Amira told me that we're in love, you and me. But if that's the case, how do I have the love and approval of my family too?"

Christian felt his heart break all over again for the younger man, and reached out and gently took his hand, relieved when Syed didn't flinch or pull away.

"We are in love, Sy," Christian smiled softly at him, and with his free hand, he pushed a lock of unruly hair back from Syed's face and left his hand to linger on his cheek. "But believe me, it wasn't always a fairytale ending for us, and we had some bumps along the way. Just, try to believe me when I tell you that you did manage to get everything you wanted; your family are back in your life, and you got to finally be true to yourself and love the person you truly are." Desperate to kiss away the confusion in his eyes, but not wanting to move too fast, Christian settled for a butterfly kiss to the forehead, something which he had only ever done with Syed. "I know it must be frustrating, not having your memories, but we'll just take it slow and hopefully, they'll come back."

Syed looked down at their interlocked hands, a whole wave of emotions rushing over him. Without warning, an image of the two of them flooded his mind, and he described it to Christian, seeking confirmation that his mind wasn't just making things up.

"We did this once," he gestured to their interlocked fingers. "We were in... a pub? Someone's wedding or birthday, maybe? I remember holding your hand like this, feeling... mischievous, almost?" He sighed, breaking their contact and running a hand through his hair. "Sorry, that must sound mad. But I don't know what's real anymore.."

"That was real, Sy," Christian was beaming at him when their eyes met, tears of joy shining in them. "It was right at the beginning of our relationship. You were..." he struggled to find the right words. "You were still... unsure, of who you were, so we were together in secret." A frown crossed his face as he decided it was best to be honest with Syed from the start. "Actually, you were still involved with Amira at the time. Listen," Christtian pulled Syed to his feet, never letting go of his hand, and grabbing Syed's hospital bag with the other hand. "Why don't we get you settled back in at home, and maybe try and make more sense of this whole thing there? I dunno about you, but I've seen enough of hospitals to last me a lifetime."

Christian laughed then, a deep, booming laugh, which teased the edges of Syed's memories. It didn' bring a specific memory to his mind per se, but all he knew was, right now, the sound of Christian's laugh was the most comforting sound he had heard since he had woken up. As he allowed the olde man to lead him out of the room, barely paying attention to what the doctors were saying about warning signs and medication, Syed was still nervous at the prospect of going hme, but now, at the same time, he couldn't wait to find out more about Christian and the life they had shared - and were still sharing - together.


	6. Chapter 6

Syed sat awkwardly on a couch which was still unfamiliar to him. Christian had brought him "home" two days ago, and in those two days, no more memories had come back to Syed. In his dreams, his memories had taunted him, playing just at the edge of his consciousness, only for him to forget them as soon as he woke. None of the photos that Christian had around the house - that they had around their home - were doing anything to pull at the fog in his mind, and with each passing hour, Syed grew more and more frustrated, with himself, and with the whole situation.

He knew Christian was only trying to help, he really did, but every time he asked Syed if anything was coming back to him, and Syed had to shake his head,and watch the hope drain from Christian's eyes again, Syed felt terrible. But more than that, the way Christian was constantly tip toeing around him made Syed feel as if he were made of glass. He would constantly be hovering, be it in the corner, or in the next room, always feeling the need to let Syed know what he was doing, where he was going, that he was just here if he needed anything. And it was making Syed feel overwhelmed by the whole situation.

In reality, Christian just desperately wanted to slip back into their old life together; for things to be the way they had been just a few short weeks ago. He knew he was being unfair on Syed, that none of this was his fault, but he couldn't help but pine for the almost perfect routine they had - finally - managed to get themselves into. It had taken them so long to get to this happy medium, one where Syed was both at ease with himself and confident of what - and whom - he wanted, and where Syed was assured that he had the love and support of his family; something that he'd striven for since before Christian had even met him.

When they'd left for Florida all those years ago, Christian had, if he was being honest with himself, seen it as a make-or-break chance for the two of them. A fresh start, in a new place, where no one knew them and judged them on their history and - many - past mistakes. If, in this new life they were starting for themselves, Syed was able to be honest with him, to have faith in him and trust him, Christian would happily embrace their life together and fight for it - for them- with everything he had. If, however, Syed had slipped back into old habits, the lying, the mistrust, Christian had sworn to himself that they would, finally, be finished. And he was thankful every single day that Syed had managed to accomplish the former.

It had seemed to Christian as if something had snapped inside Syed that day at the Argee Bhajee, the day that Christian been leaving for Florida, and he'd realised just how close he had came to losing Christian - for good this time. There had been many times in the past where they had broken up, but they had both known in their hearts that neither had ever wanted to be apart. But on that day, when they'd eventually ended up leaving Walford, Syed seemed to have realised just how much he loved Christian, and how much he needed him in his life.

Not that Syed could remember any of that now.

If he was honest with himself, the only thing that Syed knew with absolute certainty was how much he was attracted to Christian. Truth be told, that was why he had reacted the way he had when Christian had touched him in the hospital that first day he had woken up; he had been so scared by the intensity of his feelings - physically, at least. Just one touch seemed to call out to something deep inside of him, something which, even now, in all the uncertainty, yearned to call back. But Syed knew that it would be unfair for him to act on any of his physical feelings for Christian right now when they were both in such emotional turmoil.

"Sy?" Christian's voice brought Syed back to the here and now, and he heaved himself off the sofa with a sigh. Surely there had to be something, somewhere, that could help him trigger those lost memories? As he headed through to the kitchen, Syed was struck with a new determination; he would get his memories- and his life - back, no matter what.


	7. Chapter 7

Gotcha...The inexplicable and undeniable smile which covers his whole face as he grins up at the older man...Yeah, you have...The thrill as their hands touch, fingers connecting as if they've never been apart...Come back to mine...Their eyes locking, want and need reflected and magnified threefold...Ok...The sound of words spoken before the brain has time to think. Everything done on instinct.

The day before his wedding day. Seeing the older man again when he thought he'd left for good. The elation he felt at seeing him again, but also the overwhelming feeling of dread as all of the feelings he'd been trying to deny are brought to the surface once more.

Seeing his face as he bursts into the wedding ceremony room. Silently pleading with him not to go through with this. Whilst his mother glares at him the whole time, almost daring him to come clean.

Standing in the Square one sunny day, finally able to convince the older man that he was ready to start their life together. Talking at a million miles an hour, not even sure in his own head whether he's making sense or not. But knowing that this is the most at home he's felt for months. Years.

Standing in the restaurant, surrounded by his entire family, declaring his love for the older man. You are my partner, my friend, my rock, and my island. But above all, more than this and everything else, you are the one I love.

Syed woke with a start, taking several deep, long breaths to calm himself down. His heart was racing, and the last moments of the last scene danced in the front of his mind, and he was grateful that this memory, at least, was staying very much inside the edge of his awareness. He knew instantly that the images which had just danced in his mind had been true; that they had been memories, rather than moments simply invented by his dreams. He didn't even know how he knew that.

All he did know at that moment in time was how lonely he suddenly felt, in the spare bedroom of this still too strange house. It was the first time he had felt this way since he'd woken up in the hospital all those weeks ago. Truth be told, at times he'd felt almost suffocated; there was always someone around when he was in the hospital, and Christian had barely left his side since he had been discharged. But now, as he sat up and looked around his four empty walls, Syed felt a sudden urge to be near Christian. A longing, even.

He climbed out of bed and gently tip-toed across the landing and peeked inside Christian's bedroom. Their bedroom? The concept, while still seeming fairly alien to Syed, felt almost comforting right now. He hesitated in the doorway as he watched Christian's sleeping form. What would the older man's reaction be if he were to simply slip into the bed next to him? Would Syed be rejected? Or would Christian take that as a sign that Syed was wanting their relationship to move to the next level? Did Syed even want that right now?

Syed closed his eyes, taking a breath and clearing his mind, trying to control the erratic thumping of his heart. It was a miracle that Christian hadn't woken up, it was beating so loudly. He thought about everything he knew to be true, in the cloud of uncertainty he had found himself in ever since waking up in that hospital bed.

He was physically attracted to Christian, Syed was positive of that, at least. As emotionally stifling as it was having Christian near him all the time, his body physically yearned for more. More contact, more closeness. But Syed restrained himself, knowing that it was unfair of him to seek out that closeness with Christian while being unable to offer himself emotionally.

He was starting to believe that everything he had ever wanted in his life had indeed somehow managed to come together, in spite of everything. That he had somehow managed to earn the approval and respect of his family, despite his life choices which they would have found it so hard to come to terms with. His latest memory only served to prove this theory.

Despite all this, Syed still felt as though he was drowning in a sea of emotion and uncertainty, and he knew that he would feel this way until he got the rest of his previous memories back.

Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to move to Christian's side, kneeling down so he was face to face with the sleeping man.

"I will remember us, Christian. I promise," he whispered gently, pressing a careful kiss to his forehead, ensuring not to wake him. He took one more moment to stare at the face of the man he was slowly beginning to feel for again, before getting dressed and quietly leaving the house, doing the only other thing he could think of to restore all those memories he had lost.

He was going back to where it all started. Back to their past. 


	8. Chapter 8

Christian half-smiled to himself as he cleared his own breakfast dishes away. Even after the accident, when he was so unsure of himself, of anything, Syed still liked his sleep. It was getting on for 10am, so he would have to go and wake his sleeping husband soon. That this one trait of Syed's was still there despite everything else that was going on was strangely comforting.

The dramatic shift that their lives had once again taken had really thrown Christian. It sounded cliche, but they really did have the perfect life. Christian had a great PT job at one of the local gyms, Syed had finally finished his massage diploma and was working at the gym with him part time whilst also helping Amira and Naveed, her new husband, with taking care of Yasmin. Despite everything that had happened, they finally had a good relationship with Amira, and Syed had everything that he'd ever wanted. He was able to be true to who he was, was getting more and more confident with his sexuality, and he had a good relationship with his daughter. He was even somewhat accepted at his new mosque, by some of the younger generation of Muslims at the very least. They had even been thinking, once again, about starting a family of their own, now that they were once again settled down.

And then everything had changed, and Christian had once again experienced his world turning upside down and inside out. He didn't know whether he was coming or going, he didn't know what to do for the best. He desperately wanted to help Syed get better. Desperately wanted to get back to how they'd been before. But at the same time, he was starting to feel as if he was putting too much on Syed. That his desperation for Syed to come back to him was starting to suffocate him. He didn't want to inadvertently push Syed too fast and end up pushing him away. Christian was in turmoil.

Shaking his head and breaking out of his reverie, Christian made his way upstairs. If he let Syed sleep much longer, they were going to be late for Syed's next check-up at the hospital. Christian was desperately hoping for some good news, but at the same time was trying - and failing - to get his hopes up too much.

Reaching the door to the spare bedroom, Christian gently knocked before he opened the door. Although he completely understood why Syed felt the need to sleep in here for the time being, Christian ached for him to rejoin him in the master bedroom. But out of respect for Syed, he'd never pushed the matter.

"Sy, I know how much you love your sleep, but we really need to -" Christian stopped in his tracks as he realised that the room was empty. Frowning to himself, he padded across to the bathroom, listening for the sound of the shower. Hearing nothing, he gently knocked and opened the door slightly. "Sy?" Again the room was empty.

Christian was frantic as he scoured the rest of the house, looking for a trace of his missing husband. Whipping his phone out of his pocket, he hit the first name on his speed dial, hearing Syed's familiar ringtone calling to him. He found the phone lying abandoned on the bench near the front door, and realised with a start that one set of house keys was missing from the hooks above.

"Oh Sy, where are you?" Christian called the hospital in a vague hope that Syed had simply left to go to his appointment without him, but let out a groan of frustration when he was told that they couldn't give him any information whether Syed had turned up for his appointment due to 'hospital policy'. He'd even rang Amira, hoping that some of Syed's memories had come back, and that he'd gone to see his daughter, but he hit yet another brick wall. He punched the wall in frustration, which only angered him more now that he had pain in his knuckles to deal with, on top of everything else. He flew back upstairs, tugging on a jacket and slipping into his trainers. He didn't have a clue where Syed could be, didn't even know where to start, but he had to find him. He just had to.

His phone rang as he reached the front door, and only seeing his sister's name on the screen made him answer. She was going through a rough time, too, and his innate need to help others meant he couldn't decline her call.

"Jane, I'm sorry but this really isn't a good time. Syed's -"

"Christian," somehow, despite everything, hearing his sister's voice did seem to calm him slightly. "That's why I'm calling. It's Syed. He's here. In Walford."


	9. Chapter 9

As soon as Syed had arrived at Walford Tube Station, he was filled with a sense of trepidation. He had been so sure when he'd set off earlier that morning that as soon as he'd arrived in their old home, all of his memories would come flooding back to him, but now that he was here, he was nervous. He was pinning all of his hopes on this plan working, and if he'd travelled all this way and none of his memories did come back, he was left with nothing. And he didn't think he could take seeing the look of disappointment on Christian's face for another second, never mind the rest of their lives. He hovered around the entrance to the station, unsure of anything other than his desperate need to get his life back on track. Everything else paled into insignificance.

Syed took a breath, forcing his feet to move. He walked slowly, trying to take in everything around him, while at the same time trying not to stare and make a scene. Since he had no memories, he couldn't be sure of who he did and didn't know around here anymore. He knew his family had moved away, Christian had told him that much when he'd first started coming to terms with everything. But other than that, he had no memory of anyone else around here at all.

He walked past an alley way, which was positioned near a couple of flats, and felt his gaze automatically being drawn to a blue front door. He titled his head, as though questioning the significance of the door with his eyes, trying to see what secrets lay inside. As he got closer, he was suddenly hit by a wave of emotions so strong that he was forced to sit down on the nearby war memorial for support. The sudden rush of feelings were overwhelming, and he tried to dissect them to work out exactly what it was that he was experiencing.

Pain. That was definitely one of the things he was feeling when he looked at that blue door. Not physical pain, but a terrible mental anguish. Pain, sorrow, regret. Unbidden, a memory sprang to the front of his mind. Himself and Christian, in the flat behind that door? Both were crying, full of remorse for their situation.

 _You know I care about you_. His own voice floated back to him, breaking through the realm of consciousness as a wave of his memory hit him. _Yeah, last! You care about me last! And I'm never gonna stop moving down the list_. The pain in Christian's voice as he realised that he'd lost. Finally. And suddenly, the whole reason for having the conversation broke through Syed's mind. They'd just found out that Amira was pregnant. That their life together was over. For good this time. Syed felt a stray tear run down his cheek as he relived the sadness he had felt, they had both felt, during this moment in their life.

Worry. That was another of the feelings which came to him as he stared at that blue door.

Christian. His image suddenly infiltrated Syed's mind, but it wasn't the Christian he recognised right now. He was covered in bruises, a small cut still healing on his lip. And the look in his eyes when Syed had told him that he could leave the sanctuary of his flat. A look of fear _._ A look of fear which instantly put Syed's defensive side on high alert, when he thought someone he loved might be in trouble. _I think you can do anything you decide to do. I think you're Superman._ Syed felt his memory stirring in the back of his mind, remembered how it had felt to have Christian cupping his cheek. He could almost feel it right now, despite Christian being nowhere around.

Happiness. That last feeelng which had come running back to him had perhaps been the most powerful of all. So many happy memories were bubbling to the forefront of Syed's mind now that he was struggling to pick just one memory out from them all.

The feeling he got when he'd spent the whole night with Christian for the first time. Just waking up with him, going about their morning as if they'd already done this a thousand times before. The familiarity of everything, which at the same time felt totally surreal. That was the first time that he'd properly thought about the two of them being together. Properly.

Once Syed had started being true to himself and they'd finally gotten together, going about their daily lives as one. Waking together, preparing for the day ahead. Eating dinner together and arguing over who's turn it was to do the washing up. Going to bed together, not necessarily to do anything. Just to lay in one another's arms and let the world go by without them in it for a while.

 _Syed, I love you with all my heart. Please, marry me._ That feeling of indescribable joy as he's finally able to reconcile the two parts of himself which have been at war with one another, if he's honest with himself, for the majority of his adult life. The part of him which desperately wants to be a good son, a good Muslim, who lives by the rules and beliefs of his religion. And the part of him which only wants to find love and happiness, but just happens to find that within another man. He can now finally realise that neither parts of himself could exist without the other; that they both live within him for a reason. Staring into Christian's eyes, into his very soul, seeing his own mirrored back at him. _I'd love to..._

Syed took a breath, his heart racing as the memories which had come flooding back to him went round and round in his head. He was aware that passers-by were staring at him, some in mild concern, others in pure confusion. Apart from the occasional stare though, no one was paying him much attention. He was glad of the time to sit and think. For the space and room to breathe. He had been cooped up at home pretty much everyday since being discharged from hospital, and though he understood Christian's need to hover and constantly check up on him, he had sorely missed having this time to himself. Ever since losing his family all those years ago, Syed had come to think of himself as independent, that he didn't need to constantly be around people all the time. But ever since he'd met Christian, his life had completely flipped upside down. Syed was starting to see that now, to remember it. Remember their time together, and all of the pain and heartache they had gone through to get to where they are today.

Syed stood, intending to explore the rest of the place he had called home for so long, when he heard his name being called. More than that, his name was being called in the one way, by the one voice, which had, for the last few years, been his anchor. His safe-haven. His very existence. As he turned and locked eyes with Christian, everything fell into place. He was home.

* * *

 **A/N**

 **As I've not actually watched EE for a while now (probably since my boys left!) I'm aware some points about the Square may be different from canon right now; I sadly don't think the flat on Turpin Road actually exists anymore? And I know Jane isn't living on the Square at the moment either, but you'll have to forgive me for using those pieces in this story.**

 **Also, think I can squeeze one last chapter out of this one, if folks really want me to ;)**

 **xoxo**


	10. Chapter 10

Christian had been so panicked when he had found that Syed had gone. He had been so sure that he had left him, that everything had finally become too much for the younger man and that he had fled. Despite everything that they'd been through in the past, and how much they'd overcome to be together, there was still, and probably always would be, a part of Christian that assumed that their happy ending would come crashing down around them.

Syed had given up so much for them to be together, and Christian was well aware of just what losing his family had done to him. And now that he had no memory of reconciling with them, either before or after they'd gotten together, Christian wasn't too sure how Syed was coping. In his mind, all he could remember was what it felt like to be apart from everyone he loved. And Christian knew him well enough to know that he was probably falling apart. The old Syed, the Syed he had first come to know and love, would have turned tail and fled at the first sign of trouble, and Christian couldn't help but think that that was what was happening now.

But then Jane had called, after seeing Syed back in Walford, and everything had suddenly made sense. He had seen how frustrating Syed was finding everything, and he knew that he desperately wanted his memories back. And right now, Christian couldn't believe that he hadn't thought of doing this sooner. If anything had a remote chance of kick-starting those memories again, surely this was it?

"Christian?" Jane's voice rang through Christian's ears, bringing him back to the here and now. "Did you hear me?"

"Sorry, yeah," he had been so relieved to know that Syed was safe that he'd stopped breathing for a moment. "Thank God he's ok.."

"Actually, he's just wandering round, looking a bit lost. What should I do, bring him to the cafe or something?"

"No, just keep an eye on him from a distance," by now, Christian was in a cab on his way to the station. "The last thing I need is him getting spooked and running off again. Just keep close to him, I'm on my way."

C~S

Jane had been keeping watchful eyes on Syed since she had spotted him sitting on the war memorial outside Christian's old flat over two hours ago. She hadn't gotten too close, just as Christian had asked her not to, but she hadn't let him stray too far from her, either. After she'd heard about the accident, how Syed didn't remember anything from the past few years, her heart had broken for them both.

She hadn't always been his biggest fan, but there was no denying the positive effect that Syed had had on Christian, once they had properly gotten together, anyway. In a way, she would be forever grateful to Syed for bringing back to her the brother she had somewhat lost over the years, what with all they'd been through with David; Christian had mellowed a lot due to Syed's influence.

Syed hadn't really moved much in the last couple of hours, he'd just spent the majority of his time staring around him, his gaze often lingering almost blankly on the flat which had been his home for so long, and just as she was stating to wonder if she shouldn't just ignore Christian's advice and approach him, she felt her phone ring.

"Jane, I'm just heading out the Tube. Where is he?" She could hear the panic in Christian's voice. "Please tell me he's still there.."

"He's here. He's just been sitting on the war memorial all this time, and -" The line went dead, and Jane hurried to meet her bother halfway, casting a tentative look back at Syed, still sitting gazing into the distance, as she left.

C~S

Christian flung himself out of the station and headed straight for the memorial, barely casting a glance around the place he had for so long called his home. The route was as familiar to him as it had been on his last visit, and he was so focused on his goal that he almost ran right through Jane as he rounded the corner.

"Christian!" He allowed himself to be enveloped in one of her hugs for a second, and for a moment some of his life seemed to have a semblance of normality. Without speaking, he grabbed her hand and pulled her with him as he slowed to approach his destination.

Seeing Syed sitting there, his heart ached as he tried to imagine how the younger man must be feeling. To wake up with no memory of the last few years, and then to be told that you've done something you never would have imagined yourself doing in a million years must be incomprehensible. But if his life with Syed had taught him anything, it was to at least try to believe. Even when the odds are stacked against you, and you can't imagine how you'll get through something, if you can believe, then almost anything is possible. Syed had believed, eventually, that he would be able to have the life he wanted with Christian and the love and support of his family. And in the end, that was exactly how it had all turned out. Now, Christian just had to believe that Syed would find his way back to him.

He cleared his throat and called his name, in what he could only hope was a confident way, but in reality, he could hear the desperation in his voice. He watched as the younger man registered his name being called, and as he turned to him, Christian saw, for the first time in too long, that familiar glint in his eye that Syed kept just for him. As their eyes locked, Christian felt something he had wanted to feel since Syed had been taken away from him on a stretcher. He felt a glimmer of hope.


	11. Chapter 11

**Managed to squeeze another chapter out of this one for you guys who are reading! Going to be picking up another of my old Chryed stories for you soon so watch this space! Thanks for sticking with me through this one, especially given how bad I've been at updating! Xx**

As Syed turned to face Christian, a whole surge of memories came flooding back to him. None of them stood out in particular, it was more the feelings that they invoked within him that he was most conscious of. Just hearing his name spilling from Christian's lips in that moment had taken his breath away, and it had almost been like he had sensed his presence before he'd uttered a single syllable. He didn't know how long he stood there, drinking in the sight of the man standing not ten feet away from him. It could have been hours, but in reality was probably only seconds. All Syed was sure of in that moment of time was that he'd never been as happy to see anyone as he was seeing Christian in front of him right then.

"Christian!" Syed almost laughed to himself as his name left him. It felt such a huge relief to say his name and understand the reasons why it sounded like he was saying it with such reverence, that he just couldn't stop himself from repeating it over and over, like a sort of mantra. "Christian." Syed shook his head in awe, his feet moving of their own accord and carrying him towards his partner before he could even register that he was moving. Before he could say or do any more, the older man had him locked in a bear hug, one which he was now only too happy to reciprocate. Forever.

"Oh Sy, I thought I'd lost you," Christian buried his face in Syed's hair, inhaling the scent he had missed so much these last few months. He released his grip on Syed, his hands coming up to cup Syed's face, brushing his hair back from his eyes. "I missed you, so much." He paused for a second before laughing to himself. "That sounds stupid; you've been here this whole time, but..."

"I haven't, Christian," Syed shook his head, still thrilling at the sound of his voice saying Christian's name, bringing his own hands up and linking his fingers through Christian's. "Not the real me, not really. Things are still a bit hazy, and I dunno if I'll ever get all of my memories back." He brought one of Christian's hands to his lips and kissed his knuckles softly. "But I remember now. How I feel about you. How much I love you. I almost remember what it's like to be us; I feel like all of the most important memories are back now. But I still just need to know one thing." Christian looked at him questioningly. "Why did you do it? Put yourself through everything, time after time? Why did you keep letting me back in?"

Christian grinned as he answered the easiest question anyone had ever asked him, moving himself impossibly closer to Syed, their hands still clasped together tightly. "Because you make me whole, Sy. During the hard times, I tried to convince myself that I was better off on my own, but the truth was that I wasn't myself without you." He paused, unsure of whether to say the next part. "Even the times I hated you for what we were going through, I couldn't stop loving you." He released one of Syed's hands and cupped his face again, resting their foreheads together. "No one else has ever made me feel the way that you do. And yes, you drive me crazy sometimes, and it's not always been easy, but I know that you're the very best part of my life. Of me. I love you, Sy. And nothing, no amount of time or distance, or anything that could happen between us, could ever change that." Christian hesitated, his eyes still locked with Syed's, searching him for his reaction, unsure of how far the younger man was willing to go.

Syed smiled a breathtaking smile, his lips attaching themselves to Christian's in a soft, sensual kiss. It was a kiss which could have lasted forever. The world could have ended right there and then and neither of them would have noticed. They were lost in the sensation of being with each other once again, Syed only now just starting to realise the extent of what the other man must have gone through in the last few months. There would still be some hard times ahead, they knew, but now that they were somewhat back to where they had been before any of this had happened, both were confident that they would be able to get through whatever came their way.


End file.
